I am almost there..

Disillusionment haunts me!
I prefer clarity & transarency with myself and with everyone around me. And when I have no direction, no clarity, no answers, no nothing- it scares the shit out of me..

There is this quality of me that I keep on trying to get to my goals come what may- twice, thrice till the nth time but once I get frustrated I just STOP.

Letting go hurts, badly, very badly. And since quiet some time I feel that I am letting go off Myself- my own bloody self! I am letting go off a lot I am comprised of.

With the situations and scenarios around, I want to evolve & in a positive way. Be happy about the new Me. I am really trying to.

With the letting go comes a strong feeling of 'guilt' and 'heartache' which forces us to re-think on the decision and pushes us to ensure that we feel bad about it. I am sure all of us do feel the same.

It gives a feeling of misbalance in life and within yourself.

Letting go is not easy. But letting go is sometimes very important.
And to get away with the guilt is important too!

And tomorrow when you get out of it, you get back the clarity and the vision to see beyond.

So here I am, to let go off a bit of myself, to welcome a bit of newness in Me and to enjoy it.

I am trying to revive myself, and while I revive the person in me, by best company and my best friend, I just imagine to be a bird, flying into the open sky, to nothingness, to wander the rainbows God offers to me.

In the journey with transformation...

Its been long since I visited this page, my corner, my place to dwell within myself and write of what I think and feel.

Today I feel like expressing and writing my heart out on the important happening of my life since past one year - Transformation!

When I look back at the same time last year, things were pretty different like pretty different! Life was on a rock and roll, chaos around, wedding preparations, planning the way forward, spending time with my family and loved ones with no time at all, etc. etc. etc.

Its been quiet a rocking ride then, but when I look back at the year between yesterday and today, its been altogether a totally different ride. I have been trying to gather myself, to re-visit myself quiet often to understand the whole essence of me. And experiencing it even now.

Each day since yesterday, I wake up with this thought that today will be a great day. It generally went ok, sometimes really horrible, sometimes depressing, sometimes exciting and amazing. But all in all the average has been simply ok. The ammount of transformation that one has to undergo is just mind boggling. Transition itself brings adjustments and modifications and compromises. While I think I am still in the state of journey, yet far away from reaching the end of the chapter.

We always talk about the experiences and lessons one learns in the journey of life and I must say, I have got a quota of atleast 1 lesson each day in the past one year.

While being in the process of mental communication with myself (which I do almost all the time), I realised a few lines spoken by my friend and even by me at some point in time - At the end, everything falls into place, wherever it is meant to be. So true it is. When time flies and you look back at the past you always tend to have a smile. For the bad times, how it got over and brought the good times along and for good times, all the happy memories.  

I am like a water ripple, I pass on the vibes of all the things within me to my people around, whether postitive or negative. And when the energy drains out from me, the ripples eventually subside to zero. I HAVE to pass the vibes. Thats one thing I am not able to change of me.

So, while being in this tranformation phase, I want to look at the bigger picture of it like right NOW! Because the restlessness, the anxiety and the impatience it is causing within me is just unbearable.

But I keep telling myself of the two words my best friend Janavi has always taught me - BE PATIENT and HAVE FAITH. I just keep on mumbling these two words in  my head all the time.

And I just wish that I can handle this huge wave and make peace with myself to pass on small positive ripples to everyone around me. I just hope that tomorrow I will be through with this phase and I too will be smiling when I will look from the bigger, bigger picture of life onto this year of transformation.

Till then I shall be this one lingering soul roaming around to find substance to this transformation.

To myself, hope we meet soon...

Stay peaceful!