I am almost there..

Disillusionment haunts me!
I prefer clarity & transarency with myself and with everyone around me. And when I have no direction, no clarity, no answers, no nothing- it scares the shit out of me..

There is this quality of me that I keep on trying to get to my goals come what may- twice, thrice till the nth time but once I get frustrated I just STOP.

Letting go hurts, badly, very badly. And since quiet some time I feel that I am letting go off Myself- my own bloody self! I am letting go off a lot I am comprised of.

With the situations and scenarios around, I want to evolve & in a positive way. Be happy about the new Me. I am really trying to.

With the letting go comes a strong feeling of 'guilt' and 'heartache' which forces us to re-think on the decision and pushes us to ensure that we feel bad about it. I am sure all of us do feel the same.

It gives a feeling of misbalance in life and within yourself.

Letting go is not easy. But letting go is sometimes very important.
And to get away with the guilt is important too!

And tomorrow when you get out of it, you get back the clarity and the vision to see beyond.

So here I am, to let go off a bit of myself, to welcome a bit of newness in Me and to enjoy it.

I am trying to revive myself, and while I revive the person in me, by best company and my best friend, I just imagine to be a bird, flying into the open sky, to nothingness, to wander the rainbows God offers to me.

In the journey with transformation...

Its been long since I visited this page, my corner, my place to dwell within myself and write of what I think and feel.

Today I feel like expressing and writing my heart out on the important happening of my life since past one year - Transformation!

When I look back at the same time last year, things were pretty different like pretty different! Life was on a rock and roll, chaos around, wedding preparations, planning the way forward, spending time with my family and loved ones with no time at all, etc. etc. etc.

Its been quiet a rocking ride then, but when I look back at the year between yesterday and today, its been altogether a totally different ride. I have been trying to gather myself, to re-visit myself quiet often to understand the whole essence of me. And experiencing it even now.

Each day since yesterday, I wake up with this thought that today will be a great day. It generally went ok, sometimes really horrible, sometimes depressing, sometimes exciting and amazing. But all in all the average has been simply ok. The ammount of transformation that one has to undergo is just mind boggling. Transition itself brings adjustments and modifications and compromises. While I think I am still in the state of journey, yet far away from reaching the end of the chapter.

We always talk about the experiences and lessons one learns in the journey of life and I must say, I have got a quota of atleast 1 lesson each day in the past one year.

While being in the process of mental communication with myself (which I do almost all the time), I realised a few lines spoken by my friend and even by me at some point in time - At the end, everything falls into place, wherever it is meant to be. So true it is. When time flies and you look back at the past you always tend to have a smile. For the bad times, how it got over and brought the good times along and for good times, all the happy memories.  

I am like a water ripple, I pass on the vibes of all the things within me to my people around, whether postitive or negative. And when the energy drains out from me, the ripples eventually subside to zero. I HAVE to pass the vibes. Thats one thing I am not able to change of me.

So, while being in this tranformation phase, I want to look at the bigger picture of it like right NOW! Because the restlessness, the anxiety and the impatience it is causing within me is just unbearable.

But I keep telling myself of the two words my best friend Janavi has always taught me - BE PATIENT and HAVE FAITH. I just keep on mumbling these two words in  my head all the time.

And I just wish that I can handle this huge wave and make peace with myself to pass on small positive ripples to everyone around me. I just hope that tomorrow I will be through with this phase and I too will be smiling when I will look from the bigger, bigger picture of life onto this year of transformation.

Till then I shall be this one lingering soul roaming around to find substance to this transformation.

To myself, hope we meet soon...

Stay peaceful!

Mummblings..

At that point in time, it slows down

Every bit gets highlighted in a slow motion
letting you peak into all the minute details

Dwindling between acceptance and expectations

Does it seems like accepting what life offers 
or is it time to stand strong and fight back for your expectations

So many possibilities and so much to know

Then you sit back with eyes closed
look into your own self and seek for the answers

Pleasant and compromising both it appears

but you let it be on time..

Just wish to forsee that your 'hope' was not let down..

and time does pay back!

Amen!!

Chand alfaaz..

Isko khwaab kahu ya phir mere andar ki wo duniya jaha cheezeinf aisi hoti hai ki mujhe jeene ki ek aur wajah har ghadi nayi dilchasp aur pyaari milti hai..

tere paas rehne ka ehsaas, teri baahon me guzarte wo lamhe jaha duniya tham si jati hai, tere narm hothon pe jab mere labz aake rukte ahi to lagta hai ki duniya me meri jeene ki wajah mjhe chhoo kar guzar rahi hai, teri aankhon me jab jhankti hu to ek nayi duniya me pahoch jati hu jaha mujh hi se sab kuch hai aur mujh hi pe sab khatma hota hai, tera chehra aaina hai tere mann ka aur wo leka jata hai mujhe unn gehraiyon me jaha anant tak thehraav aur shanti hai aur dher saara pyaar..

tujhe apni duniya me paa kar aisa laga ki jeevan me 'pyaar' ka matlab jo kho chuka tha wo jaag gaya hai. ek nayi rooh ne janam liya jo wapis usi mod pe jaa k shuruat karna chahti hai, ehsaas karna chahti hai phir se wo jo maayus ho k ek kone me chhipa k rakh diya tha..

tune mujhe chhua to aise ki ek hi pal laga mujhe tera banne me, tera wo chehra jab bhi sochti hu to lagta hai ki aise hi dekhti reh jau aur maut bhi isi waqt aye jab me tere haatho me hou..

pyaar ka naya ye andaaz kuch aisa hai ki apne aap ko pyaar karne to jee chahta hai, ekbaar phir se jee karta hai ki naach lu jab tak pairo tale khoon na aa jaye aur jhoom loo jab tak tu aa ke samet na le mujhe apni baahon me...

A little less chaotic

After all the misunderstandings, heartaches, pain, confusions, confessions, tears, sarcasms, screaming, hauling, shouting, name calling, deafening silences, and then the consolations, it is always good to regain the comfort in a relationship.

Clearing out the air takes a little time. You need to hold on and have the faith and life brings you back your normal self. Be at peace and leave all the logic behind. Afterall after shedding so many calories in all the exercises you go through right from the tip of the issue to the finish line, you definitely need a break. To consume the fresh air and feel fresh and regain the energy to kick start the next day.

Hold on, i'll be better the next time i appear! thanks for reading anyways.. :)

Delicious Ambiguity

I have been living in a world of dreams, personifying & visualizing every detail of how i want my life to be. Its always a fantastic journey to take time off and making a world of your own where you build up everything. Right from the roads to the lamposts to the designer houses that fall your way to the perfect dress and the absolute stunning knight in shining armor everything is just exactly the way you want it to be. Isn't it all fascinating and interesting? Where everything seems to be just PERFECT. 

Reality strikes differently though. There is an ambiguity that prevails in the benignant privacy of your dream world and the real world. Sometimes very tenderly while sometimes very harshly life throws things at you and brings you back to reality. There isn't always a cent percent match between YOUR world and the real world. There may exist a gap that swipes the ground off your feet. Positive gap as well as negative gap. If its a positive one you end up being happier than your imagination while the negative one definitely teaches you important lessons in life. 

No human being is exempt of facing such trivia in life. In a similar fashion, the highs and lows of this difference between the reality and the dream world has affected me too. Somewhere its been awesome and heavenly while some places its been utter harsh and bitter. 

Like every mortal being, I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learnt that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. 

I've learned..

Just while going through a friend's blog I found this and thought it as 'a must read' to put it on here as well..
Courtsey Aanchal

I have learned (author unknown)

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them;
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back;
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts;
I’ve learned that you can get by on charm, for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better know something;
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do.
I’ve learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I’ve learned that it’s taking me a long time to become the person that I want to be.
I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may b the last time you see them.
I’ve learned that you can keep going long after you can’t.
I’ve learned that we are responsible for all we do, no matter how we feel.
I’ve learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I’ve learned that no matter how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take it’s place.
I’ve learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I’ve learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I’ve learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re downhill are the ones to help you get back up.
I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
I’ve learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all they have.
I’ve learned that maturity had more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.
I’ve learned that your family won’t always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren’t related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren’t biological.
I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to forgive yourself.
I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.
I’ve learned that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I’ve learned that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will get hurt in the process.
I’ve learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.
I’ve learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I’ve learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I’ve learned that the people you care about the most in life are taken from you too soon.
I’ve learned that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up for what you believe.