Search of the very own butterfly

its been long since i visited here.. today when i ponder into my thoughts and talk a walk down the memory lane there is a list of things that come up and i rekindle into the past, revisit old memories and revive some of the feelings i had left behind.

the newness in me today is a struggle.. a struggle between a mixture of horrible, miserable, beautiful and hopeful past and a fearful, doubtful, demanding & uncontrollable future. this newness is more to do with numbness or hollowness i can say.

my heart goes there and keeps on wandering into those narrow, tiny, criss-cross lanes while my brain acts as if it has got feet of its own! it wants to run away to isolation and leave behind everything else.

past has the capacity to hold me tight as i know exactly what has happened, or what couldav been changed, or how could i hav made a difference whilst the future is abstract and uncertain but it surely gives me a feel of being able to handle things differently otherwise. its like a search of solitude and peace in darkness and emptiness. drifting away from both these spheres leaves me to only one thing - PRESENT! ironical it may sound but there is no 'present' in the present.. endless searching of a gift from the present leaves nothing but inquisitiveness and impatience towards everything i lay my sight on. sometimes it feels like there was another me who lived in there and there is no way i can get back to her.. the me with beautiful colors, huge smiles, flying away every moment from one flower to another - jus like a butterfly..!

P.S. : in search of that same old butterfly.. see you once found!

Struggle between the today and coming-soon 'tomorrow'

Its a 'milk in the cupboard & sugar in the fridge' kind of a day today. When I sit back and take a break for a while,  I think on how life is and what life has been in the past few years for me..

Drifting away from family and coming to an all new city to pursue future endeavors was a difficult task to do but I've realized that thats exactly what I wanted to do of my life. Dreaming big, aspiring high and making most of my life. And that's how I was ready to take the new course of life in my hands and begin a new journey. Over the past four years theres a lot that has come my way and much more that has gone away..

Being a part of a hostel life, eating untimely, spending almost sleepless nights, sipping coffee after midnight, long drives, and everything in the initial years of a bachelor life was just so happening. And today being at a position like this makes it even more valuable. A non-existent romantic life, a shady job, meeting expenses almost everywhere, managing a home, tolerating unwanted people, abiding by a few decisions and yearning for that something that will make all of this struggle worthwhile.. I think it is perhaps OK to cry out and feel light. If you cannot find a way then atleast you should cry out and feel numb. I've been told by my best friend to sometimes just cry and let it out rather then live with a heavy heart. It is perfect to behave in a certain way if you cannot control the situation by yourself. Not that crying out is as it is gonna change anything but atleast you can feel at ease.

I know for sure that tomorrow when i'll turn back and take a sneak peak into today i'm going to laugh it out loud about the situation i am facing today. I know that tomorrow its going to be all fine and smooth. I am absolutely sure that better days are on its way and i AM going to be at peace soon but the scenario today is taking me over. Restlessness has become my best buddy these days. Things are not going as I plan but things are going abrupt from all ends. Perhaps just to be is what I can do..

I am looking forward be in that 'someday' and take a walk down the memory lane and laugh out thoroughly on today - on the fuck ups that happened, on the miserable situations, various encounters with insanity, on my emotional turbulence, on my search and on almost everything that I can perhaps lay my hands on.

Till then cheers to life!

bouquet of love#44

Today we took our first stroll along the beach,
windy beach, flowing waves touching our feet,
your hands in mine, eyes locked..
and nothing to take up our minds except this moment..
there is not a perfect life
but these perfect moments make it just worthwhile
no end to the beach till eternity
like no end to the wish of being together..
profuse desperateness to stay in the moment forever
to steal every bit of love on this earth
and feel the immense peak of peace & fulfillment..

bouquet of love#43

we may fight, we may shout, we may shower anger

but at the end it would be just two of us to show the right over ever other..

we may meet, we may depart, we may just stay apart

but at the end it would be just two of us to show we are always together..

we may cry, we may laugh, we may just feel insane

but at the end it would be just two of us hugging each other..

we may plan, we may pretend, we may just leap out

but at the end it would be just two of us dreaming together..

we may discuss, we may argue, we may just throw up

but at the end it would be just two of us deciding our future..

we may smile, we may laugh and we may live every moment

coz at the end it is just the two of us being in love with other!!

bouqet of love #42

that one evening..

its still beautiful to me,

i just have to say its soo beautiful to me..

spending our time out

laid back there, it was so great

i think of a 'yes' 

getting closer to you..

something i couldnt deny..

like i just sailed with the flow.

i jus have to say its soo beautiful to me..

still feels good, it still runs deep

when you got closer to me,

it still has goose bumps on my skin

that image still so strong in my mind..

in every way its so much live in me,

as and when i close my eyes

everything i witness and feel

its as fresh as it was the other night..

close ur eyes and see whether u feel the same

i'm sure your version would be similar to mine

but hearing it from you would add more essence

i hope i get to read or hear on that..

i just have to say that its gonna b the closest to me

and its always going to remain as beautiful as it was..

bouquet of love #41

inner musings of a desperate and highly confused,

hopelessly romantic thorough dreamer...

its been ages since i felt this,

the recognition and acknowledgment among

friends and folks, near and dear ones

feeling of being loved and cared

nurtured and pampered..

the boost and confidence growing every moment

the fun and excitement and anxiety and nervousness

this very mixed feeling which makes me float

up and down in an ocean of emotions..

aaah! this very state of unspoken dilemma

and situations never dealt before..

this is just so expected yet unfelt

its been difficult filling the box, 

rather dumping soo much in the box

but at the end it has to be this way

as the angels above are United Angels

and it sure is going to lead me and us

to the right path of unison...

bouquet of love #40

i have been inside

and it is full of hope, happiness, fears, 

surprises, risks and trivias..

what stops you from unfolding the wraps

of layers around your soul?

to confess the feelings within..

and bring in light the passion lying dormant..

today you are tangled in the uncertainities

but you haven't even realised when,

just when did you touch that fragile

and plucked the uncertainty yourself..

you shall now open the box lying right here

and experience all that is there

fears, happiness, saneness, irrationalities,

love, passion and much more..

where i have already been,

and where i will welcome you to my world..